Sorry there hasn't been a dickie bird from me during the past few weeks, but I have been languishing on the Island of Guernsey, re-charging my thoroughly-drained batteries!
And, indeed, thanks be goodness I've returned with all cylinders firing at maximum pressure, because darlings, a BODY is found this week, not far from Home Farm in Emmerdale!
It is Sam Dingle who discovers the remains, and calls the peelers!
So, as the forces of law and order descend on Home Farm, the marlie-mouthed Nathan gets on the phone to Natasha, who is away on holiday with Declan, legs flung to the moon.
"Get back home Memmy!" demands Nathan and the bold Natasha has hardly time to get a pair of pliers to wrench her toe nails out of the headboard, and then call in to get her botox reinforced, before arriving home just as the corpse is identified as that of Mark!
I'm trying to establish weather his appalling wig is still attached to his head at this stage and rest assured, I will do my best to update you as soon as I know.
However the investigation begins and all the family members are questioned.
I do hope somebody remembers to give Maisie her beta-blockers, otherwise she will be gibbering, crying, choking, and boking all over Natasha's furnishings, and fittings!
During the course of all the interviews it is Nathan's temperament and somewhat erratic behaviour that seems to really interest the peelers AND HE IS ARRESTED.
Under intense questioning, he repeatedly tries to turn attention to Faye's possible motives (remember the wee so-and-so has buried the gun, which removed Mark from this mortal coil, in Faye's garage).
However when the peelers totally ignore any mention of Faye, Nathan starts to loose his cool.
Of course, in the midst of all this Marlon informs a shocked Dingle clan that Shadrach has died, then Sam walks in to tell them about the discovery of Mark Wylde's body!
A big steaming pot of hot, sweet, tea is required by this time, as Cain steals away to burn the wallet!
Meanwhile Carl is concerned by Chas and Eve's growing friendship when he finds them having a drink together.
Eve, it appears, has failed to notice those adverts, in the daily tabloids and ghastly magazines, for "modesty panels" so, as usual, she has her full missile base on show, thanks to her low cut top!
So when she leaves, Carl follows her out, seriously tempted to instigate a brisk game of "horses" after all those weeks of Eve's flirting!
However, it transpires that Eve has problems of her own, with ould' Enda, who confronts her with a letter from a debt collection company.
Back at home farm, the marlie mouthed Nathan is shocked to learn that Mark's death could not have been an accident. He is released with out charge, but is hopping mad with Natasha for lying to him!
And! Oh yes! Bob promises Viv that he will always care for her...
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!
Coronation Street
Meanwhile, over in Weatherfield, Lewis is angry with Audrey for backing him into a corner, by announcing to all and sundry their plans to move to Greece! But he has a change of heart when she offers to sell up to fund their venture.
When the Platts start to doubt his intentions, Lewis offers to pay for the trip to Greece HIMSELF!
Which just leaves the wee problem regarding where he is going to find the money!
Then, doesn't he find himself all alone in the bookies, when Deirdre pops out for a wee message?
While all this is going on John Stape is living on a knife edge as first Colin Fishwick and then Ben Fielding come to call!
An attempt at blackmail is followed with a scuffle WHICH LEAVES ONE OF THEM DEAD! But what is John going to do to get rid of the body?
Also this week, Sean's deception blows up in his face when Violet works out the he has been masquerading as Liz online all along!
Liz nearly passes a canary, and she sacks Sean on the spot!
However, as we all know, our Liz has a heart of corn and she later relents, offering to intercede with Violet and help Sean get access to Dylan.
At the other end of the street the atmosphere in the hair salon is REALLY turning poisonous and Audrey cannot get on that plane to Greece quick enough!
But, with the sinews bulging, Deirdre starts to wonder is Lewis's heart is really in it?
I DON'T THINK SO!
DO YOU?
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